EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK

This past week it’s been easy to focus on the sabbatical issues of marriage and family as everywhere we’ve looked there have been light bulb moments.

Our Flower Arranging Class – the first session was on monochromatic arrangements. Last Tuesday’s was on working with opposites on the color wheel. These reminded us that successful marriages happen either way, with people who are highly alike or completely different. Success in marriage – as measured by satisfaction and longevity – is not dependent upon the amount of complementarity a couple has but how they deal with their differences. (John Gottman, famously, said all couples have at least ten irreconcilable differences.) We all know couples who are highly alike who are miserable. And we’ve known couples who are absolute opposites yet happy as larks. Finally, it’s a management issue, isn’t it? How do we manage our differences?

The Olympics – My favorite parts are the sprints and the relays and I’m a huge fan of the Jamaican runners. Having spent much of my childhood on that beautiful island I am admittedly partial. What a wonder it is that an island of two and a half million can produce such world-class sprinters. And what joy and pride Jamaicans have because of them.

When I was in boarding school in Jamaica (ages 8-12) one of our favorite playground activities was running the track. I remember running countless hundred yard dashes and coasting around the lanes in a 220 or a 440. And I remember running the relays, receiving the baton, running my part and then passing it on to the next partner in what can be a precarious team experience. We ran sprints and relays on the track just as children today play soccer or kickball.

When I watch the relays in the Olympics I’m reminded of the ways family duties are passed from one member to another. “It’s your turn to change diapers.” “Will you do the grocery shopping tomorrow?” “Whose turn is it to host Thanksgiving this year?” And I’m reminded of how wisdom is passed from one generation to the next. Sometimes these baton passings are done seamlessly in families, sometimes clumsily if at all. It’s a skill we all need to develop.

The Addams Family – We went to see the play Saturday evening at the Benedum. We did not expect to enjoy it as much as we did. It’s a wonderful tale about issues every family faces, especially during the teenage years: normalcy, rebellion, life course, love. We left the theater with smiles on our faces having witnessed something wonderful as two families, each in their own way, figured it out.

Hope Springs – Yesterday we went to see the movie starring Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep. The story asks, “Can marriages change?” The answer in the movie is “yes,” but at least in this case, not without a whole lot of struggle and pain. As in The Addams Family, self-disclosure is the key.

Finally, the couple learns the two essential skills for a great marriage – how to be present to and real with one another. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It is not. It’s incredibly difficult and yet enormously rewarding. To give the gift of real presence. Not just to be in the same room with your partner but to give oneself over in body, mind and soul. And to be real with one another, to be honest about thoughts and feelings and to share those in a loving way as well as receive them from your partner with grace.

May all of these be so for you.